INTO THE GREAT UNKNOWN

The corona virus is an enormous challenge for the entire world. It can feel like we are collectively jumping off a cliff, into the great unknown. Most of us loathe change unless it is our idea and we are in charge of the changes. We especially dislike feeling out of control, and yet that is exactly how many people have felt over the past few weeks. When will we return to our familiar and comforting activities? When does life return to normal? My heart goes out to my fellow human beings around the world who are struggling with the medical, economic, and psychological fallout of this pandemic. I am not qualified to comment on the medical or economic issues involved, but I do know something about psychological trauma, and I am seeing a lot of it-and we have just begun this great adventure into the Unknown. I have watched enough videos and news clips of front-line medical providers to recognize obvious signs of emotional trauma in these under equipped and insufficiently protected heroes. The lack of preparation at the national level and refusal to take seriously the scope of this pandemic, even though there have been major warning signs since the beginning of the year, is not only sad but incomprehensible. It appears that in most of the United States we are now taking this novel corona virus seriously and beginning to take appropriate public health measures to contain it.

Primarily because of the actions of state leaders, especially in New York, California, Illinois, Massachusetts, and Ohio, we are beginning to get our act together as a country. Consequently, my attention can now turn to exploring how we can best heal the emotional devastation that will in the long run exact a much greater toll on our country and the world than the direct medical consequences of the pandemic. As a clinical psychologist, I have spent 45 years steeped in psychological suffering and have actively worked to assist those who have been traumatized by life events over which they had no control.

The medical and economic devastation is going to continue for an indefinite period of time, and I hope that knowledgeable and competent leaders will guide us. There has been very little commentary or real appreciation of how to heal the psychological fall out, which is and will continue to be enormous. How can we best help and serve our fellow humans?

I believe a deeply informed spiritual perspective is the best approach. This perspective does not rely on religious beliefs, although such beliefs may be helpful to some. For me, true spirituality involves the ability and willingness to see clearly what is real. Most of us, most of the time, see only what we have been programmed and conditioned to believe is real. We rarely see what is actually real. I explore this matter in great depth in my recent book: Alive and Awake: Being Who You Already Are.

In this brief article I want to identify a key component to healing from any form of psychological suffering. Think about this for a moment. We know from extensive psychological research that regardless of the extent of psychological trauma, some people do not develop long term emotional damage. What assists these resilient survivors in overcoming devastating psychological trauma? How do they understand what has happened to them in a way that facilitates healing? A related question is: Why are sometimes objectively minor events deeply disturbing and even disabling to some people?

My professional experience and spiritual perspective tell me the primary problem we have in managing traumatic events is a fundamental misunderstanding of reality. We have been taught the mistaken belief that we can and should be in control of our lives. A corollary belief is that if we are sufficiently vigilant and responsible, we can and should prevent bad things from happening to ourselves and our loved ones. Both of these beliefs are largely false. The objective truth is that we are often not in control of our lives, regardless of how hard we strive to be. Sometimes bad things just happen, and there was nothing we could have done to foresee or prevent them from happening. Consequently, unfortunate or devastating outcomes are not really our fault. This is not to say that our decisions and actions have no impact on outcomes. There are ways of discerning the best approach to manage any problem, and this skillful discernment can be taught and developed by anyone willing to learn.

One of the primary factors in the long-term psychological distress following traumatic events is self-blame and guilt. This guilt derives from the mistaken belief mentioned above. We tell ourselves If only I had been more careful, I could have and should have prevented this traumatic event. I have carefully reviewed an endless number of such events in my long career working with thousands of traumatized individuals. I assure you that in the vast majority of cases there was little or nothing the individual could have done, given what they knew at the time, to prevent the traumatic event from occurring. Sometimes bad things just happen and there was little or nothing we could have done to prevent it-knowing what we knew at the time. Events in the world are far less predictable and therefore far less controllable than we have been led to believe.

Here is a relevant quotation from my book, written last year: “In addition to holding the erroneous belief that we are responsible for predicting future events, we believe we are responsible for preventing undesired future events as well. If we do not succeed at this impossible project, we judge ourselves harshly. We believe this self-judgment is deserved because we erroneously believe that we could have successfully prevented the undesired outcome if only we had tried harder. We have deceived ourselves into believing that if we worry and obsess enough, we can prevent unwanted experiences from happening in the future. The only result this kind of thinking can produce is chronic fear and anxiety.”  P. 137. Michael Hall, PhD. Awake and Alive: Being What You Already Are. 2019.

It is difficult to recognize and accept how truly helpless and vulnerable we are at times. It seems easier for the adults I have assisted to recognize how helpless they were to prevent or avoid the traumatic events of their childhood. Children are dependent on the guidance and protection of their adult caretakers. Sometimes these caretakers are severely impaired for an infinite number of reasons. It is mostly impossible for children to protect themselves from impaired caretakers. Yet nearly all abused children in some way blame themselves for the abuse. Often, they are told directly that they are to blame for the adult’s bad behavior. “You made me hit you by being bad!” Of course, this is never the truth. Only the adult is responsible for their own behavior. Most adults can eventually recognize that they could not have prevented the abuse they received and were certainly not to blame for it. This recognition, when deeply felt and integrated, is liberating.

Similarly, it is important to recognize and deconstruct any self blame or sense of failure regarding our personal reaction to the novel corona virus. Everyone, everywhere is just now understanding this virus and recognizing necessary steps for its containment. We will not respond to the virus in a perfect manner, nor will anyone else. What can we do to minimize psychological fallout from the myriad emotional, financial and medical losses of the coronavirus?

Whether a challenging or threatening event continues to extract a significant psychological toll long after it is over depends heavily on how we interpret the event and our reactions at the time the event was happening. Having a realistic, compassionate and forgiving perspective towards the decisions we and others made during a crisis is ideal. I very much like the phrase “the good enough mother” coined by British pediatrician and psychoanalyst D. W. Winnicott in 1953. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/suffer-the-children/201605/what-is-good-enough-mother. I first learned of Winnicott and other object relations theorists like Melanie Klein and Margaret Mahler in the early 1970s. Winnicott’s purpose with the ‘good enough mother’ idea, which included being a ‘good enough parent’ for fathers, was to encourage ordinary, decent parents to trust their own loving instincts towards their children.

Perfectionism and unrealistic expectations of ourselves, our partner or our children are not helpful but do create needless anxiety and worry. In this time of high coronavirus anxiety and uncertainty, can we be good enough at handwashing and social isolation, without demanding perfection? Can we appreciate, respect and forgive perceived shortcomings in the responses of others? Compassion and forgiveness directed towards ourself and others is always the Way. Fortunately, we do not need to be perfect-good enough will do just fine. If we or our loved ones get the corona virus it is not because we failed to be sufficiently vigilant. It is not a personal failure to catch a virus. It is certainly not shameful and does not need to be embarrassing. We are all doing the best we can here. If we could do better, we surely would. Make a reasonable effort to be informed and to follow agreed upon public health guidelines. Then relax, knowing that you have done all that could reasonably be expected of you. Even in the time of corona virus, it is important to let go, lose interest in self criticism, and be at peace.